We’ve been officially married for four years today.
But, I’m pretty sure we’ve been married our whole lives. It’s pretty sick, but I think we might have been made for each other. I know, GROSS! Here are my reasons: we’re hella goofy, we’re hella silly, and… we both hella lurve ice cream. I’m not going to make up any more words for the rest of this post. Only dictionary words from here on out. Promisk.
So, marriage. Woah. It’s a pretty weird deal. Sometimes it’s hard, and sometimes it’s really easy. Sometimes you feel really connected to your spouse, and sometimes you feel like two complete strangers. Sometimes you have the same goals, and sometimes you have different ones. It’s interesting to be in the middle of something so fluid, but at the same time, stable.
The first couple years we were married were the hardest. Sometimes, I felt really confined. I felt like being married restricted the jobs I could have. I felt like being married restricted where I could live. And, it sort of does, for me anyway. But, jobs and locations don’t matter to me much anymore. What maters to me is that we have a strong marriage, and my choices are based on that– not moving to South America on a whim (which I hope we can do one day!).
I’d like to say my view on marriage has changed gradually over the years, and it has, but sometimes one event can snap your life into perspective. For me, that event happened in February.
I’ve spent my whole life saying, “I’m fine.” I wanted to be tough and strong. I didn’t want to rely on anyone. And, mostly, I hated it when people felt sorry for me.
Interestingly enough, I don’t care if people feel sorry for me anymore either.
A really bad thing happened this year. And, it’s why I quit writing on my blog so much. I just kept writing this post and then deleting it, not brave enough to tell you the truth.
In February, I had a miscarriage.
It was pretty awful, and I tried to ignore it for a while. I tried to act like, “I’m fine.”
But, I wasn’t really “fine.” I couldn’t get the pain out of my mind. Also, I couldn’t handle the emotions of it all, so I tried to cover it up. I wrote about goals and paying off our house, but the entire time the only thing I could think about was… that night. The night I spent crippled in pain, lying on the bathroom floor crying.
My husband is the only person I couldn’t act “fine” around. He sat next to me when we got the news. He watched me cry for about a week. He helped me get out of bed. And, he still makes me breakfast every morning.
Through my husband, I found out why marriage isn’t confining– it’s one of the few things that is really freeing. Like any good relationship you can be free when you can truly be yourself. When you can truly tell someone how you feel. When you don’t even have to tell someone how you feel– they just know.
Ultimately, marriage is about dragging each other out of bed. It’s about leaning on someone because you can’t stand up anymore. It’s about the ebbs and flow of life. It’s about healing together a little bit every day. That’s what we’ve been doing, healing.
I hope you haven’t had to go through a miscarriage, but if you have, feel free to talk to me about it. I’ve had the best support from my husband, family and friends. I would love to be there for you, too.
Happy Anniversary Husband! Thanks for being there for me through the good and bad!